“Paradise in a Pencil” is a film I made about how drawing helped me heal from hurt. When I immigrated from China to Palo Alto at age seven, 65% of my classmates either treated me as if I were invisible or a pariah. Only three girls were nice to me. The mean ones told me I was gross because I was Asian and said I was weird and wasn’t allowed to play with them. Even the Asian girls told me I was weird because I was Chinese, not Japanese. Clearly, this was all because of the narcissism of small differences that humans create to mask their inferiority, but as a child, you don’t know why you’re an outcast. You just know you are.
I tried so hard to fit in by changing the way I dressed from dresses to cool grunge, the food I ate from Chinese food to sandwiches to bell peppers, and how I spoke from outgoing to quiet. None of it worked. Over time, I became scared of people, but isolating myself made me extremely lonely. If I couldn’t tell anyone how I felt, I would draw it instead. Drawing became a way to express myself when words felt too heavy. When I draw, I forget the pain — it’s like the world goes quiet, and I can finally breathe. I hope when people see my film, they realize that even when it feels like you’re stuck, invisible, and unheard, creating something can still give you hope.